i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
