I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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