All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
