I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
