Girls should come with a carfax report
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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