My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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