whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
