just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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