so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
