remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
