thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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