She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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