It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
