He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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