You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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