I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
