No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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