My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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