I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I need moral support for this bender
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
