I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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