pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
