dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
