I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
