I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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