My room smells like vodka and shame
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
