I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
