I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
