Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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