Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
