The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
