my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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