There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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