so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you win again, gameday.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
