Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
