So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
