Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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