you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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