he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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