thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
