genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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