I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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