so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
