Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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