I wish I could teleport
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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