you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Randomize
