God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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