I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
