I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize