Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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