u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
