It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
