laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
