wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
