Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I've blown a few things in my day
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
