My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I am midnight drunk by noon
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
