if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
