we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
