My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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