Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize