I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
